Sinta

Kung ikaw ay gagabihin,

 Sana hindi mo makalimutan na minahal kita ng lubusan. 

Sa umagang iyong madadatnan 

Lagi mong iisiping ako'y umaasa parin na sana ika'y makapiling 

At mayakap, 

Mahaplos ang iyong mukha 

At sabihin sa harap na iyong mga mata na inaalay ko ang aking

Buhay makita lamang muli ang iyong ngiti.

What made the Tree Roots laugh?

This courage may seem colored but it keeps on weighing on my chalice as heavy as a ball dragged by sinful ideations.

I couldn't tell, I couldn't know and I did not know. How will I convince myself? This revolving scenery with disability has concluded those aspirations. It has left me facing a brick wall, a wall comparable to a runners end. I want to pass, I couldn't even breath.

What is left of me? Tell me, I beg of you? Who are you?

I am trap in this rain as a damsel. Hoping to convince another to take part of this hole. Fill it up as I am willing to give it all. Save me, I am the novel damsel.

The monster at night when an angel at light. What does she do? An angel falling to a mass hole sliding through the pouring rain. She had nothing to hold on and nothing to aspire.  I still, I can and I will. But what do I do? Those tree branches are laughing, they laugh at me when I break the silence of courage.

Does ecstasy still prevail? Won’t you help me? Sir, Madam? Oh I cry out to those who hear and I plead to those at stake. We will prevail.

Mother and father, do not sulk because time will mend our intentions. Heal our wounds and lift our hearts. We will be in one distance, joy sparkling in our eyes. A sight of heaven in a dream.

I feel inevitably hopeless, I feel pained and pinned. Was I carrying a cross, is this what the wild has taught? I cannot drink from this water; I cannot see in this day, I have been empty, empty since the day I fell.

A little hive of secrets and I immediately ask for serenity, serenity to accept the things that I chose to step into the stings. I chose darkness and now I am inside a hole. No one to talk to, no one to play with and only a Kermit can prick.

I miss the times that I was made of chocolate, singing sweet melody’s to the lovely birds and was playful as a buzzing bee in sight of nectar. I chose the fall and I chose to learn. But it seems I could not go out, I could not hold on, on these tree roots. They push me to the depthless.

When my dress has dried, I wipe my eyes and see I was not holding on. Did I lose hope? Was there hope in these tree roots? Their acid ache me. They suck me inside. I sat and sulk, I sat and sulk…

I sat covering my body; I cried and cried till I had nothing to live for. I saw the courageous heart lying in the mud, purple and beating two times as fast as the cheetahs in the greens. I don’t want it no more; I bruised it every time it fought.

I echoed a shout “I don’t want it anymore!” but why can’t it stop beating? Stop fighting!

A failed ego and a bruised heart, is there more? Kill the demon. 

She slept in that hole for a thousand years more, hearing the laugh of the tree roots, the insults of the bullet ants and the slaps of a family forsaken.

Jousting defeat with the demon’s Triton. How long shall she die in life?

Yipee! (Under construction)

I feel so full of life right now! the reason for this is that I've been reminiscing a lot this morning, starting when we started and all I could say to sum it all up is that I was such a young confused girl. oh I miss that girl! but not in way that I want to be in that position in life again, oh no. I miss that wild funny, noisy and gross-farting young lady, Jane! So thinking about it I'd like to write a letter to Past, Present and Future Jane.

Hey Jane!

Wazzap my man? you crazy girl! how i miss our wild antics and adventures. I miss our voice-in-my-head fliptops lol were sounding crazy here, craazy indeed. You've been very very strong and I want to give you the hugest hug and at the same time I wish i could just hit you with a bat in the head so you wouldn't have to go through learning all those life lessons, but you had to, you just had. Now, you're a grown woman and I'm happy that you know what you want in life. I'm happy that you've awaken that animal and has set it to its knees and i know perfectly well that you know what I mean. I love you ever so dearly and those marks on your skin they are who you are :) and you are proud of them, never ashamed of the past, the mistakes and the unreasonable thoughts. I'm happy that you have gained self-control, well most of the times, just kidding but most of all I'm happy that little by little, you are starting to forgive yourself. You're a tiger that has been just unleashed in the wild, and I hope someday you can hopefully meet and love someone who can tame you to your heart and take good care of you. By now, we both know our stand on love: Love isn't just about boyfriends/girlfriends, its about having that god-like feeling from someone; its closest to a mothers love.

You'll be well, you'll be the coolest daughter and provider cos i know that's what you've always wanted. You'll be the most awesomest therapist in the world. Yes you can and I love you, I will always do and I will never ever let you destruct yourself again. cos if I do, I'll miss our long walks and musical performance fantasies, our humor and just simply how we see life. God has never forgotten you, he has thought of you every "jiffy" so think about him as well all time.

Till we meet again buddy! love you :*

Time to Feast: A Free Verse

Life is a soundless string of yarn waiting to be strung. I can feel the vibration echoing across the abundance. hear it, as it pries for needy fortune nor subjected to deep inhalation. Along with that sigh, intuition manifests through rightful scars. This insights fill up your feminist integral cup and in return blossoms a mothers bussom and a Giants ecstasy.

What is it? asked by the attendant. As she wonders through the sound. Tulips begin to levitate her  and as soon as the goats militate the echoes, she becomes radiant of fascination, she kills herself. Bewildered by ecstatic pulchritude and the antagonistic horme. She pulls her self out of the water, thinking she has no ruminative fantasy but the verisimilitude of revelation hindered her from actualization of pure agreement with the Almighty. As a thousand monarchs swim through the gates, A wondering damsel left remained between His depths, pondering why she held her breath through out the progression of ducklings to cowards.

She  wonders greatly in sigh. Subjected to more clandestine creatures were consciously necessary. She wanted salvation. but, from what? I would like to elucidate; From limitless intelligence precipitated by life's fortuitous. 

She stood and damaged her fleet, she strove at night with the fellows of hell, dismaying her the vine of life. She pierced not her torso but the facade of consternation that she knows life sustains brought before His table of Feast. Multifarious engagement, she was gifted with the Armour, sheltered by the mighty will. She cry's : "She will prevail" and cries more. She walks with erudition of life's nothingness. She is filled with constant anticipation to be gratified. That some day, some day, she will indulge into His duration: A Time to Feast.

Future Jane

      It’s been more than a year since I last posted here, I’m sorry folks it has been quite a, year for me, but it has been quite therapeutic, when now actualizing my transition. 
          
                 To  explain more on the title of this entry. I remember a scene from the show “How I met your mother”; my letters to "Future Ted" (Ted writing in his diary to future ted on why he broke up with his ex-girlfriends so that whenever he would miss one of them, he would just read back on the reasons why they broke up) and me putting it into more writing has help me really understand the reality of my most recent affairs and little by little it is helping me surpass it. A lot has happened in one year, lost my laptop, Broke up with the guy from my last blog (so we actually got together eventually lol) graduated college and now I’m part of the working mass.

                2011-2012 felt like 2011-2045, exaggeration aside, actually realizing what has happened to me for the past year has been quite life changing.  Two men broke inside our home in Makati last December, stole my laptop, couple of phones, cards and some cash. At that time I was already having relationship problems and it was quite hard for me to let go of something very personal to me. It was the same feeling of losing a best friend, to be more sentimental I felt like Samantha died (the name of my laptop, sorry if this sounds corny). Even so I tried to compensate by going out with friends and reading books, just to entertain my adventurous ass off.

                The guy that I was talking about from my last blog, the guy who gave me “the” ride and who shall not be named! Finally we came around and have been together for about six months, it was a hell of a relationship. That relationship was both satisfying and harmful at the same time. I did things that I never thought I could, up until the point that I planned my future and made sure he was always in the picture. We always thought that we’d always end up with the ones we are with presently but the most important lesson that I’ve learned through this experience is that, in life nothing is certain you just have to savor the moment and hope for the best.  It was also one of the bravest things I’ve than in my whole life time, breaking up with someone I thought I could never let go.  Something who has become a really big part of my life. After finally calling it quits with him, I realized I was blinded by the fleeting happiness that one could feel when you’re madly in love.  I realized the bigger picture outside our own little world, and just recently did I know that in our world there were four women sharing it with me which I honestly did not know during that time! So much of a small world.

                After thesis, it has been like a blink of an eye until graduation day, everything became fast phased, little did me and my block mates understand especially my group of friends that soon we'll eventually part ways and that we have to let go of something that became a big part of our lives-college and then eventually we'll all start working. In less than a week after my last day of school, I immediately started working, I was eager to start ahead and plan my future thinking that everything that I have planned for me would immediately set into place, until I actually “start” working and having experience the hardship of working for a boss and dealing with different kinds of people, it was hard at first but then it became easy when I met two office mates who started the same time as me, after spending lunch together for the first time immediately it was like we became bff’s.  Aside from the fun job description and atmosphere they are the ones who’s making everything easy for me and making me look forward to go to work. My company has been approachable and accommodating, there’s not a thing or two that I could wish for more, and this was the life. But I know eventually we all have to transude into better individuals that are congruent to what we really want. And I hope towards reaching my dreams, and I know it will take years before, I hope I am still here with my work family. That’s how much it became my world now.

                So right now, realizing a lot on life, I’m starting to get high on it again, riding the bus of life, just like in kindergarten, exploring and learning new things and meeting different people from different walks of life, my job has enabled me to experience things that I know one day I would definitely share with my children. In terms of the “romantic relationship” I’m on a break :D, It seems my mind has been reprogrammed, prioritizing biologically the really more “important” things in life. And I have never felt awesome having my Jane back in my world and on the path towards her dreams! :) Ciao